Survival is Wealth
by justgivingmytwoshekel'sworth
Summary: Hachiman finds himself trapped in the world where money is all that matters
1. Before the sun is up

The alarm clock went off.

The blaring sound caused Hachiman to jolt awake, clutching his blanket as he tried to register WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED.

"Fuck, I told Lil Pip not to set it off at such a time…" Hachiman silently admonished Lil Pip, a manservant who is under Hachiman's service.

"The sun is barely up… Normally, this would have been a great opportunity for me to enjoy the freshness of morning air," Hachiman commented. In the good old days, Hachiman was quite fond of jogging, although he had shown much disdain towards any other kinds of physical exertion.

"But too bad Joji Sorosu had to spoil it for us folks by monopolizing fresh morning air…"

On the other end of the town, a colossal factory is busy at work through its myriad of tubes and other types of suction devices— fresh morning air is sucked into the factory while synthetic air mixture is simultaneously churned out from it. The fresh morning air is then delivered to various middle-class households, where the freshness of nature is in huge demand especially given the post-apocalypse environment.

In heavily polluted areas such as Shanghai and Stockholm, the well-off individuals could bear to pay up to a dozen coin for 1 gallon of bottled air.

Although Joji's products raised much contention over its authenticity, his business fared extremely well due to the demand for nature's greatest gift. This makes Hachiman envious— he wanted to be a businessman just as successful.

And this is not simply for his hubris' sake.

In the world Hachiman lives in, businesses are not only the economic backbone of humanity, but also the only option for individuals to secure their freedom and chances of survival.

In the world Hachiman lives in, a person bereft of any financial value might be better off dead. For the government no longer provides handouts for the impoverished. For the government no longer provides retirement checks for pensioners. For the government no longer redistributes wealth in support of the weak and marginalized.

For there is no government.

The force of nature has relinquished whatever form of collective structure that moved humanity forward over the past few millennia.


	2. Bitcoins and Loss

Hachiman analyzed the spreadsheet on the screen, furrowing his eyebrows as he carefully scanned through the columns.

"Alright, let's see… Sir Maverick ordered two metric tons of steel, that would be 1.5 coins; McNukistan has requested for 5 Ukranium-IV™ ores, total would be 24.23 coins… Damn… I wish they buy from me more often, would fill my pocket up in no time…"

"The Aryan Brotherhood ethno-state has made transaction for 5 gallons of red, white and black dyes; they goods were purchased last week. The price of each dye, including 5% interest, ought to be 0.3,0.67, and 0.4 coins respectively. Hmm, let me check… Is it correct? Correct! Very well, indeed. What now? Lady Iroha of the Golden Leaf Faction has ordered fine Tibetan silk from the Dalai Lama. Hmm… looks like I have to send a telegram over to the Sino-Tibetan Minarchy."

Hachiman choked at the last part. The mentioning of Lady Iroha brought forth painful memories. As he read through her message over and over again, he could feel nothing but a gaping hole in his heart.

What shattered him the most was the degree of formality that Lady Iroha adhered to in her letter. The use of phrases such as "I would like to inquire", "In regard to this affair" and especially "Once again, it is my obligation to acknowledge the smooth running of our collective endeavors" will no doubt lend credence to most people's initial assumption that their relationship is indeed nothing beyond business ties.

However, they used to attend the same high school. Not only that, but they knew each other as well.

Iroha was his beloved underclassman

Until she was stripped bare of her past

And had her memories irrevocable seized from her.


	3. The Violations of NAP

"Sir, breakfast is served on the table."

"Your chicken is sourced from McDonald's Inc™, your lasagna from Walmart™, and this Very Expensive Milkshake™ from Dr Pepper & Co.™"

"Total expenses amount to 0.06 coins. Would you like to deduct the above amount from your McWallet™?"

The robot questioned in a monotone.

"GoogolGnome™, please have it paid for with my McFoodstampz-2k16™."

"Roger."

After finishing his breakfast, Hachiman decided to check the stock market for latest updates on the Americapistan economy. In order to do that, Hachiman requires help from his manservant Lil Pip. Among the other manservants, Lil Pip is Hachiman's favorite. Hachiman had treated him with a degree of respect not expected from an employer to an employee. This is usually not the case for many wealthy households and corporations. In a typical bourgeoisie house, the manservants are not only ill-treated, but are also violated of their NAPs.

The NAP, formally known as the Non-Aggression Principle, is a set of mandates which oversees the smooth running of the anarcho-capitalist society. It is a universally acknowledged set of rules that transcends beyond borders and 'governs' every individual willing to partake in the spirit of anarcho-capitalism.

The NAP is a reactionary principle which gives individuals certain rights over another individual or entity, given that the same individual or entity has made the first move in an attempt to undermine their rights. In other words, if Guy A violets the NAP of Guy B, then Guy B has every legal and moral highgrounds to violate the NAP of Guy A. Different forms of aggression are included in the Hoppean Hierarchy, ranked in order from the least to the most severe:

Theft-Robbery-Trespassing-Vandalism-Physical Assault-Slander-Raid-Rape-Destruction of Private Properties-Murder

The NAP holds valid for an individual if and only if said individual is a sworn capitalist. Whoever that is caught preaching toxic communist propaganda will have their rights immediately taken away from them.

These people usually end up mob lynched, defenestrated from skyscrapers, or even thrown off helicopters.

However, there are also other exceptions to the NAP, which are explained in the Libertarian Constitution. A particularly notable section of the constitution, the Fourteenth Amendment, has sparked quite a few controversies. The Fourteenth Amendment goes like this:

"The above rights endowed upon an individual by the Non-Aggression Principle shall be immediately rendered moot, when the status of such an individual reflects any form of indentured labor within a corporation (manservants, child slaves etc.). In such cases, the rights of these individuals shall be compromised in exchange for their employer's rights to property and free ownership."

Needless to say, the heartless elites took full advantage of the Fourteenth Amendment and reduced the living standards of their slaves to a bare minimum. Cases where up to 8 slaves are confined to a single bunk bed is not unheard of, and some even leave an entire faction of them with nothing but a single latrine. As the conditions got worse, many of the slaves eventually died, either from disease or sickness, or from the physical assaults inflicted upon by their merciless masters.

Hachiman was one of the few exceptions who actually treated manservants with dignity. This is partly due to empathy— Hachiman himself almost ended up with the same fate as well: two months after the apocalypse, the Yakuza syndicate raided the shelter he was residing in. It was only by sheer luck that Hachiman was out that day. Ironically, he went out to raid the supermarkets for canned goods. Little did he know that by the time he would return, everyone living in his shelter would have already been captured and put into slavery.

And how did he know? Two weeks later, he chanced upon a flyer on the ground, advertising a comatose child cum dumpster.

It was Ruri, the girl whom he used to tell bedtime stories to during his residence at Chiba Emergency Shelter Number 4.

What was once the source of optimism for everyone in the bunker has been reduced to a horrendous caricature no better than a corpse. The cold, undead eyes in the flyer staring back at him haunts Hachiman till this day.

And that traumatizing incident might help to explain the compassion which Hachiman had shown towards manservants.

"Sir, The Rothschild Foundation has allegedly shut down TrumpTowers™ and have dominated the real estate industry ever since."

"According to the Free Market Tribune, the RothSpies™ has successfully infiltrated into the network of TrumpTowers™ and gotten hold of crucial insider information since last week. Sir Barron Trump I has gone into exile since then to prevent persecution from The Rothschild Foundation's privately-owned police force. Meanwhile, The Rothschild Foundation has seized all the possessions of the Trump family, imposing a ransom of 600000 coins on the Trump family."

"Meanwhile, stock markets everywhere have suffered tremendously from the climate of uncertainty following the expulsion of the Trump Family. Sir Barron Trump I's vowing to seek revenge has led to security concerns, and many financial analysts have expressed fear over his current state of mind."

"Given Barron Trump I's pedigree, he has every right to pull off a Donald Trump Fiscal Oath™, a pledge that will relieve the Trump family of any financial quagmires. Unfortunately, the oath itself would disadvantage the rest of the elites in America, freezing their assets until the Trump family has returned to fiscal equilibrium. There are currently no known methods to circumvent this pledge, for its integrity is protected under the Divine Force of Christianity and Christian Values™ (DFCCV)"

"News update, George Soros has just laid an international bounty of 10000 coins on Barron Trump I."

"News update, two of the biggest tactical weapon plants, McNukistan™ and TsarBombarz™, have merged as one corporate entity. Things are looking grim for Trump family, as longstanding rivals CocalColaInc™ and FaygoFoundation™ have just undergone a coalition to undermine TrumpTowers™.

"News update, The Bogdanoffs™ have sworn allegiance to helping the Trump family. Rothschild officially surrendered. In addition, The Rothschild Foundation offered to pay 50000 coins worth of reparations. Barron Trump I has been notified of the good news, and is expected to return from the autonomous isle of Maldives within 24 hours…"

"Thanks, Lil Pip. That's all I need."

Hachiman cut him off.

"Lil Pip, I need you do me a favor. Help me telephone CocaColaInc™ executive Sir Lancelot, and ask him to immediately withdraw from the Greater American Union of Trades and Enterprises. (GAUTE)"

"Based on my speculation, the Bogdanoffs™ will no doubt target companies which fall under GAUTE after this scandal, especially given the fact that the Rothschild has poured in a tremendous amount of resources into it."

"Over the years, GAUTE has degenerated into a cesspool for greedy corporatist. Right now it serves no other purpose other than a club for the elites to circlejerk. I have actually desired to talk to Sir Lancelot for quite some time over this affair. This incident has but reminded me of how CocaColaInc™ is only putting itself at risk by staying as a member."

"I need you to schedule a meeting with him as well. Ask him to pay a visit to Gaston Hotel (which is really but a code word for basement 20 of the MegaBunker™, situated in 16th Street, Dresden.) Also, help him to register for a 2-day RoadFare™ concession chip to pay for any cost incurred from travelling on private roads. Ask him to avoid whatever roads owned by Dojo Hayao Miyazaki, as that man is infamous for overcharging foreigners (or taken verbatim from his mouth, gaijins)."

"This is a crucial economic matter which I really need to discuss with him about, so please be extra meticulous in executing this plan."

Lil Pip, who was in a great mood that day after growing his first leg hair, decided to be a little facetious with Hachiman.

"Are you sure you are doing this for the interest of business, and not because you just want to see Sir Lancelot?"

Hachiman's face turned red as a glass of Strawberry Flavored Mountain Dew™.

"Shut up, Baka."


	4. Sir Lancelot

The atmosphere was intense. Sitting on the opposite side was none other than Sir Lancelot himself. The two esteemed individuals sat in silence for minutes before Hachiman finally broke the ice.

"Long time no see, dude."

They were the only occupants in the spacious and grandiose conference hall in the MegaBunker™, a business pandering to elites who wish to discuss business affairs in full privacy. The environment within the MegaBunker™ is purportedly immune to any form of bugging devices, and is completely soundproof from the exterior. It was much like the deep web back in the pre-apocalypse days, except for the fact that only elites can afford a place in the MegaBunker™.

Their slaves were all positioned at the door outside the conference hall. Carolina, a maid of Sir Lancelot who has gone yandere for him, had her ears pressed against the door, trying to eavesdrop on their conversation.

"It's no use, this wall is made from 100% soundproof material," Lil Pip interrupted her.

"Whatever, I just want to ensure that Sir Lancelot is doing fine."

Sir Lancelot is a man of average looks and yet, at the same time, of immense prestige. Upon the first impression, one would not expect a clinically obese individual whose every facial feature point to a virgin to have so much power under his palm. Part of his success comes from his charisma— he was a smooth talker.

However, Sir Lancelot has a secret that only one person in the world knows, and that person happened to be Hachiman.

And his secret? Whatever image he has built up as Sir Lancelot ultimately perpetuates nothing but falsehoods. In reality, Sir Lancelot does not exist.

In reality, he is merely a Zaimokuza.


	5. Dresden

"Ay man how's it going. I'm so glad we got to be like this again."

"Yeah man it's a good thing you brought me to this bunker, I could have blown my cover otherwise. Man, we didn't really have such a casual meeting in like, four years?"

"Haha that's right. Anyways it took me a shit load of effort to convince Lil Pip that we are meeting up for a business affair. Kek that boy almost accused me of being a homosexual."

"Rofl that goy got issues man! Oops I accidentally appropriated a Jewish word. I'm sorry Lord Soros," Zaimokuza suddenly sprang from his seat and kneeled on the floor, facing a certain direction.

Hachiman gulped, wondering if Zaimokuza has been brainwashed by the Soros.

"Look, Zaimokuza, my point still stands, you should really get down to business and sever whatever ties you have with the GAUTE. That group is devoid of soul and is going to make you sell out for sure.

"Haha what nonsense you spewing, bro. That group is like family man… Especially that nigga George! Damn, I've actually lost count to how many times he did me right. Shieet, half of my rarest collections was acquired through his power; I could never get a hold of that pre-apocalypse vintage Kafuu Chino Amiiboo without his help. That guy is everything man! He would watch anime with me over the weekends, sometimes he would even marathon an entire 12-cour series just for my sake..."

"I do think you kiss his ass too much, and I'm afraid you have fallen into his trap. That guy is a shady ass fellow, he might not actually be what he seems to be. Just try to recall, how many times was he genuinely interested in the anime, when you two were watching together?"

"Come to think of it, he does fall asleep at times while we were watching slice of life series. But then again, I guess it didn't really suit his taste. He's so awesome he'd probably like awesome shit like Shounen or Ecchi."

"That's the problem with you, Zaimokuza. No offense, but you really think like a child. This might also be why he managed to fool you so easily. You see, Soros is never into anime, not just Slice of Life alone. He is simply pandering to your taste, which in turn elevates your image of him. In reality, he is nothing but a Dirty. Scandalous. Murderous. Sneaky. Manipulative. Money-grabbing. Bitch."

"Chill the fuck up! In this society who is not money-grabbing. I mean c'mon that shit is essential for your survival! I'm sure Lord Soros wouldn't stoop that low..."

"But have you ever gotten a glimpse of what he was like before the apocalypse? Have you ever cared enough to find out?"

Zaimokuza struggled to find an apt response.

"Okay, let me read you some vintage articles from back when the world was still in one piece."

Hachiman cleared his throat.

"Ahem… George Soros caught paying ANTIFA members up to 1000 dollars per week rioting on the streets, the headline says. On 1/19/2018, George Soros made a public statement, confessing to having funded domestic terrorist group ANTIFA. However, the financial mogul still remains adamant that he is fighting for a good cause…"

"…As a civilized society, we should not condone such a behavior which threatens to cause upheavals in our everyday lives the evils of Communism shall soon meet its demise and the propagators sanctioned by the law to the fullest extent."

"This article was penned by columnist Paul Molyneux Watsoever on 1/26/2018."

"Now did you see the true color of your oh-so-noble Mr Soros?" Hachiman asked sarcastically.

"Woah, I never knew that guy was so supportive of that repugnant ideology. Guess I have misjudged him. Man fuck this shit! And I thought we were closer than brothers…" Zaimokuza was genuinely hurt by George Soros' betrayal. Hachiman felt kind of sorry for him. That realization must have hit him hard.

"Alright, I shall sever all ties with the GAUTE by this week," Zaimokuza declared. "No more two-faced snakes in my game."

"That's the spirit, homie. Now let's rock the scene! I'm bringing you to sightseeing the city. Man, I've been to Dresden plenty of times but it never gets old."

"Topkek I've never been to Dresden, how is it like?"

"You're in luck homie this place is Otaku haven! Ever since Hayao Miyazaki moved into the city thousands of Otakus would flock to the city every day to pay homage to him. The entire city has built its economy upon anime, so don't be surprised when you see more stuff here than Komiket!"

"Shieeeeeet I can't wait for that! Let's go!"

"Guys, Sir Lancelot and I will go sightseeing around the city. Meanwhile, you all are free to roam about, but do be back at the hotel by five. Bring along your free man pass in case the slave patrol accuses you for being a runaway." Hachiman instructed the manservants.

"We'll be back by five as well. Better behave yourself or else have your Faygo Tuesday privileges revoked for a month."

Hachiman and Zaimokuza was soon led into the limousine. As they drove off into the horizon, the manservants started forming their own cliques and parted ways.

The otaku clique headed towards the city center, where a myriad of anime merchandize awaits them. They were given enough allowances to cover the cost of one dakimakura, which they would be sharing over the next few days.

By the end of the trip, they would have a rap face off, and the winner will be able to keep the dakimakura for the rest of his life. It is therefore an event of huge significance to them, and is something they have been looking forward to the most.

As the different cliques gradually left for their respective places of interest, the only ones remaining in the MegaBunker™ is Lil Pip and Carolina.

"Wow I can really imagine what Master Hachiman and Sir Lancelot is actually doing right now. Tee hee-"

"You know that only girls ship guys with guys, right? It's pretty gay for you to do that." Carolina cut him off.

"Oh, you're here... How about we go sightsee together as well, then? I know of this famous Steakhouse where Master always brings me to every time we visit this town. Or perhaps you would like a little more spice? How about a drink bar with groovy jazz music…?"

"Sh- shut up! You Jerk!" Carolina slapped Lil Pip across the face. However, both of them were blushing a deep red.


End file.
